Ah, The Harry Potter Phenomenon: Inexplicable spitting in your face. Is it the Characters? The Marketing? The stores of Merchandise? Is it the Funny Words? Whatever it is, it has barely lost it's shine (Ask J. K. Rowling) and Reviewers still have no answer. 'Cliche'ed' they say, 'Obvious Sources' they shriek, 'Similarities Between Harry Potter and Star Wars (LOL!!!)' they post on their websites, but they still admit to it's Engrossing Narrative, Fascinating Characters (which were Stock Characters a minute ago), and yes, Funny Words, all of which combined make the series immensely appealing to children (and adults ;) and make the Harry Potter books a bestseller on every list.
So What The F*CK Is Their Excuse For These Films! F*cking Hollyood, I Tell Ya! It's not that it's bad, it's just tries too hard! The studios want to keep it under three hours, but they still want all the little character details (that means a close-up and a shouted dialogue), and the little CGI funnies here and there and Sweeeping shots, oh they love those don't they, Sweeping whooshing zooming shots of Grandeur and looming castles and thundering clouds and spooky corridors, ooh I'm awe-struck! Hit me with that pretentious soundtrack again and I'll feel scared again, Oh what's that? The soundtrack is back to motivational again? Right, aah, ooh, grrr! Fight that guy! Yeah! Wave That Wand! Yeah! Don't Worry You Look Completely Normal! Ooh, A Montage With More Motivational Music! Yeah! They SHould Change Composers More Often, It's Not At All Obvious! Magic! Yeah! Harry Potterness Yeaa!! Fantasy Film That Are Big In The Market These Days! Yeah! I Love Harry Potter! Ooooh Sparkly Sparks! More Special Effects, Yeaaa! What's That? Dialogue? Awww, I Hope They Put Some FX Soon In To Distract Me- Yay! F-X-F-X-F-X-F-X! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Oh No Another Boring Talkie Scene :( But Wait! It was fleeting and quickly jumped to another, completely irrelevant scene! Yeaa! Thank Satan for that Editing! My Attention Span Cannot Handle Any One Scene Longer Than 3 Minutes! But I Still Want Everything From The Book To Be In The Film Or Else I'll Trash It On The Internets! You Better Do What I Say, I'm Your Chief Demographic! Take That Good Taste!
And I Loved The Part Where Harry Is Very Angry And Upset At Everybody And It Takes Just One Dialogue And A Shoulder Grab From Gary Oldman To Calm Him Down When In The Book It Took 23 Pages And A Tranquilizer Gun Just To Get Him To Stop Shouting! And The Part Where The Token Black Says 'You Gotta Admit, That Dumbledore's Got Style!' And The Entire Audience Cheered! Right On Black Guy! Hollywood Screenwriters, WooHoo! I Also Liked The Cameos Every Secondary Character Did Just To Show They're Alive And Can Turn Up At Any Second Should Any Later Script Demand It! And Helena Bonham Carter's Two Minutes On-Screen While She Was Still Hungover From Frankenstein Was Also Very Good! She Got Almost As Much On-Screen Time As Alan Rickman, And I Think You Can Decide For Yourself What Is More Watchable - Carter's Victorian-Whore Take On An Essentially 'Mrs. Manson' Character, Or Rickman Doing What He Does Best - Sarcasm! And Change The Director More Often So They Try To Stylize The Shots To Show Off How Much Better They Are Than The Previous Ones Instead Of Telling The Story Like They're F*CKING SUPPOSED TO!!! Personally I Don't Care!! Magic! Harry Potter!! CGI Effects!!! Fantasy Films WooHoo!!!! Thank You Hollywood!!!!!
And that's all I have to say about that.
I apologize if your eyes hurt.
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